Did you know there are 150 calories in a beer?

I would never again worry about the 150 calories that are hidden in the beer I drink with my dinner, or about how my legs look when I look down and how they look so big when pressed on the seat, or about that silly number on the scale that is always higher than I want it to be.

Actually, life would be only great. I would look into the mirror, smile and be confident. I would get the job that I want, I would find my prince on the white horse and my whole world would be rainbows and butterflies.

Wow, how hard I fell when I realized that that is not how it feels to be 'healed'.

For the 10+ years that I struggled with my eating disorder, I thought that one day I would wake up, and this 'thing' would be gone. I would do that one meditation retreat and I would have the most astonishing experience, Buddha himself came to my mind, took away my worries, healed my body and boom I would be set for the rest of my life.

But I think I can say that I am not suffering anymore from my eating disorder. I have a natural eating pattern, I am not compensating in any way (running 20k+ because I ate carbs for breakfast (because carbs are THE BIGGEST enemy)) and when I look into the mirror, most of the time I am actually quite happy with what I see.

BUT, read carefully when I say, MOST of the time. Because some days I still feel like shit when I look into the mirror. Some days, when I see a picture of 5 years ago and compare it to now, I still freak out to see the difference in my body, and sometimes I still feel the urge to run to the toilet after having eaten too much of that delicious chocolate ice cream after burger night... (yes, you are allowed).

And that does not mean I am not 'healed'. It means old thoughts, silly little neuro roads are still existing in my brain and like to nag me every now and then when I am tired or emotional.

And the biggest discovery of all: they don't have to leave.

They may stay in my funny little brain, as long as I don't give them too much attention. Where the energy flows, the energy grows, my teacher always said. So if you don't water these nasty little buggers, they will eventually become smaller and smaller, until they are so small, you almost don't see them anymore.

So from me to younger me: you don't have to strive to be 'healed', because this is just another little trick of your perfectionism. You are healing, as we all are, and we always will.